


Loss

by AkaneRei



Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29399118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneRei/pseuds/AkaneRei
Summary: Jean always shouldered more than his share doubt. Is it his fault he missed?
Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149374
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up to episode 67, which wrecked me.
> 
> Not so much Jeankasa, given the situation.

_Is it my fault I missed?_

Jean crouches down, his hands on his head. He can hear them behind him work on Sasha, see Louise from the corner of his eye as she helps wrap the bandages around her. But to no avail. He can see the pristine white bandages stain red almost immediately. 

They can’t stop the bleeding. 

He can hear Connie’s pleas.

He can hear the sounds of his men’s brutal punishment towards the stowaways.

But everything is starting to get muted with the exception of a voice in his head.

_Is it my fault I missed?_

——————————

_Even as he followed Sasha to back her up after she sniped one of the soldiers in the Cart Titan’s back, he tucked that part of him that wanted to go to Mikasa away in the back of his mind. As he led his team to time the attack on the Cart Titan for maximum impact, he put all thoughts of her away in a tightly shut lid in the corner of his mind._

_So intent he was at delivering that killing blow that it took him a second to see the kid right in front of his target._

_A kid._

_A fucking kid, pleading for the life inside the Cart Titan._

_He could see the desperation in the kid’s eyes, that determination despite the certainty of death._

_A split second decision had his thunder spear flying towards the target, but it didn’t make the impact he’d wanted it to make._

_Was it the steam? Or ..._

Is it my fault I missed? 

——————————

The knot twisting in his chest isn’t letting go. 

“Jean,” Floch approaches him, “they climbed aboard using Lobov’s ODM gear.”

He looks at the kids, stares at the swollen eyes and lips, takes note of all the bruises on their faces. His people did this. Hell, he knows that even he could do this. Wasn’t it his shot that just ricocheted moments ago?

Kids.

Just goddamn kids.

A wave of self-disgust threatens to choke him. 

“I’ll toss ‘em outside. Alright?” Floch is merciless, as he holds them none too gently by their hair. 

He recognizes the boy.

_Is it my fault…_

He pounds his fists against the wall. 

_...I missed?_

“If we toss the kids out of an airship, will the killing ever end?” he cried out. 

——————————

_“As far as we know, there are six casualties,” Sasha reported once he got up inside the airship._

_“I see…” his jaw clenched. Six lives. “Shit!”_

Is it my fault I missed? 

_He heard the cheering of the men, the celebration of a victory with minimal casualties. He should be right there with them. He should be there, thanking whatever god was responsible for getting them out alive._

_But he couldn’t._

_Six lives._

_He noticed Connie and Sasha turn away like him. What was it about the 104th that couldn’t enjoy a simple victory?_

_“First battle, huh” he muttered lowly under his breath. Knowing only Connie and Sasha would understand. “How many more til the fighting ends?” The weight of the six lives were on him. “Just how many have to die?”_

_Connie must have seen something in his face that worried him enough to approach him and Sasha. He felt his friends arms wrap around his shoulders and he fought the urge to hold on to it._

_“Anyways,” Connie began, his voice low, “I’m just glad we survived again.”_

My friends...

_“It’s not very fair to the others,” Connie continued, “but you guys are special to me.”_

_The tightness in his chest loosened a bit. Connie was right. Miracle of miracles, they still had each other._

_And even Mikasa, he knew, made it since Eren made it. Eren wouldn’t be aboard this ship without her._

_They were all still here._

_Goddamit. Leave it to Springer to get him out of his head._

_“That hurts, idiot,” his attempt to seem uncaring and stoic was failing, he was sure, judging from Sasha and Connie’s knowing smiles. “Don’t hug us wearing hard-ass gear.”_

_He smiled, and for a time, all seemed right in the world as he fell into the familiar banter amongst his friends._

——————————

“The rest of my comrades will carry on the will of War Chief Zeke!” she hurls at him. This girl with no name, whose very existence means nothing to him, continues to struggle.

This girl who was the direct cause of Sasha bleeding her life out as they speak. 

“Gabi, stop!” the boy cried.

This boy...he’s seen this boy before...

_Is it my fault I missed?_

“What do we do with ‘em, Jean?” Floch demands.

Jean knows what Floch wants, what the quick answer can be.

But he can’t bring himself to say it.

Sasha may be dying and—

Why can’t he give the order to toss the kids overboard?

“Us true Eldians are gonna haunt you til you die,” she screams at his face, fully aware now that her fate rests on his shoulders. “Pass that on to your ringleader after I’m dead.”

And just right then, Jean knows what to do.

“I’ll take you to him,” he tells her, his decision clear. “You can tell him exactly what you told me,” he voice was dead and emotionless. He only wishes he could say the same for himself.

——————————

_When Sasha had asked if he’d heard anything, the niggling feeling on the back of his neck intensified. That tightness in his chest came back to full force._

_Sasha was a hunter. It was in her blood. If she heard something, there was something._

_“Quiet down,” he demanded of the men. But no one was listening. Everyone was intent on celebrating._

_“Isn’t Lobov still out there?” Connie asked, giving a possible reason for what Sasha may have heard._

_“No, I think he came aboard,” he replied._

_But...he wasn’t certain._

Is it my fault I missed?

_Another sound drew his attention to the opening of an airship, and everything moved too fast again._

_The girl fired her shot before anyone had a chance to react and Sasha—_

_Sasha!_

_He fired his own gun towards the girl before he could even think about it, but another child dove in and he misses—_

Is it my fault I missed?

_—the bullet instead ricocheting and almost hitting himself in the process._

_He could see the children crouch to protect themselves from the angry soldiers that pushed forth to retaliate, but at that moment all he could think of was—_

_“Sasha!” Connie’s voice was desperate._

_He got down on his knees._

_There was blood, so much blood, soaking her uniform._

_“Medic!!”_

_The blood was just flowing out of her, just seeping and coating the floor._

_“You’re ...so...loud,” her voice croaked._

Is it my fault I missed?

_And everyone was talking and yelling—_

_While the blood continued to flow..._

——————————

He can all but feel the sense of betrayal emanating from the kids while they threw out their questions to their War Chief. 

He watches the reactions of everyone in the room, from the guilt-ridden looks exchanged by Eren and his half brother, to the impatient ones of Captain Levi as he demands who they are, and the curious ones of Mikasa and Armin.

“They killed Lobov and used his gear to come on board,” Jean reports, another death to his conscience. He should have stayed back and sent Lobov up. He could have done something different. 

“Sasha was shot by this one here,” he chokes, trying to push through the next words he needed to say. He looks down, because he can’t bear to look up. Because he blames himself. And he’s afraid. Afraid he’ll see the same judgment he feels towards himself in the eyes of his Captain. In the eyes of his friends. In her eyes. “I don’t think she’s gonna make it,” he tells them.

He hears her gasp, hears the sounds of denial coming from her and Armin. He sees the look of panic in her eyes as they briefly meet his own. He fights the urge to reach out, to break down and tell her how sorry he is. He feels the brush of her shoulder against his arm as she runs past him, and he swallows back anything else he wants to say. 

Because there’s no words he can say to her. There isn’t even any for himself. He is empty.

He stares at the people left in the room and he ...he hates them. He hates their plans. He hates what they’ve done, what he’s agreed to do. If he knew it would cost them Sasha, he never would have—

He lashes out, perhaps unfairly, at Yelena. 

Because it was better, it was easier, than listening to his own voice in his head—

_Is it my fault I missed?_

Everyone starts to talk about what went wrong. But no one, no one was thinking about Sasha.

A sound behind him interrupts them.

“Sasha …” Connie starts.

He barely hears the rest, but he knows. He knows without hearing the words. He knows and he can’t bear it. 

_“It’s not very fair to the others but you guys are special to me.”_

“Eren,” he spits out, his heart is shattering. It’s a name that’s been both the bane of his existence, and the chance to redeem himself after Trost. It’s a name he’s simultaneously cursed, yet called out in hope against the Titans and their new enemies. “Sasha only died because you dragged the Scouts into this,” he cries out bitterly. The simmering rage mixed with shame comes up bubbling like a lava. He wants to blame Eren. It is easy to blame Eren.

_Is it my fault I missed?_

But deep down, he knows there’s no one he blames more than himself.


End file.
